I Feel Like A Failure As A Mom

I feel like a failure as a mom– were my words to Josh when I ended up laying in bed after my day.
What happened? — asked Josh… Today I got frustrated a few times with myself and the kids.
Of course, I asked the kids to forgive me for raising my voice and maybe being a bit too strict with them when there wasn’t a need for that? (Who am I? They are so little!).

During the pandemic, I shared online an experience I had with my kids and the way I was feeling… Honestly, afterwards, I thought, hmm.. maybe I shouldn’t have shared too much about my day out there? as I got a text telling me — what you got is called depression. — That word hit me at that time, but also hurt a bit because I guess I was expecting something more helpful as a new mom of two children? (and in the middle of a pandemic). I was and am very aware of depression, even seasonal depression (like winter in a cold grey country) ^_^

 

I used to take that as something bad, or shameful. Not anymore. I think anyone is vulnerable to depression or the symptoms, I think that’s ok, what is not ok or healthy is to live in depression continually as a lifestyle. Some people actually live in depression and are not even aware of that. So if you are aware of what you are going through that’s amazing! you are not alone!

 

Well, I’m not trying to talk about depression but the raw feelings we can experience in motherhood because you know? I’ve noticed that we actually never have the chance to talk about our challenges and frustrations because we might feel embarrassed. Perhaps we are fearful that we won’t be understood or accepted because our hands are full of simple tasks. Our type of work (at home raising kids) is so ordinary for the world in the middle of so many crises and living in a world where material success and progress have become indicators of self-worth, it is so difficult for us as mothers to name at the end of our days our progress or success in our very important to-do lists. I said to Josh, — you know? …making food, helping upset tummies, cleaning little messy faces, dressing, potty training, reading a book, bathing, etc. Somehow it doesn’t qualify as an important thing in the world, or at least I think I didn’t notice it enough before having kids?.

 

If I ask my husband about his day at work he can mention the projects he is working on, he can tell me the progress of it, and the successful feeling of finishing things or helping people through what he does. We (mothers) is difficult to name at the end of our days the progress of our work because doesn’t seem clear. Yet.

How would you measure the progress of raising little ones who are still fussing about nap time, trying to name their feelings, fighting for a toy, and even throwing the food you made for them on the floor?. haha! — I laughed and cried at the same time with Josh telling him all this… I was finding it even harder after leaving my career to stay at home full time with my kids. The truth is that we are so used to hearing all those affirmations for our work and personally I used to feel proud of “doing” and seeing the end of my work finished. Maybe some personalities like to see their work or time invested finished? I do like that, but motherhood is different. Motherhood shapes you and makes you go and see things at a slower pace.

 

All this (and the way I was telling Josh I was feeling) has made me think about where we as mothers are basing our worth. The majority of the world around us makes us feel that material progress and success are an indicator of our self-worth.
You need to stop basing your value, worth or success away from the way you are raising your kids, for what you eat or not eat, for your clothes or look, for your children’s education, or even their behaviour. You are not that. You are unique and a significant person, not for how beautiful your house is, the look of your family, nor for helping people or for juggling a career and family at the same time. You are not even valuable for your success in living, did you know that? You are valuable because God loves you, being an amazing mom won’t make God love you anymore, and if you fail, He will never take His love away from you. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you anymore. (Hope you can find peace in this).

I’m writing this and smiling because I am still reminding myself of what I share with you. Several times I found myself wondering if other mothers are experiencing the same feelings and frustrations that I have faced in motherhood (so far, with the toddler season). Isn’t it just like a great encouragement in realizing that we are not the only ones who feel how we feel sometimes?

What practical things can you do to feel better about yourself and to know that you are valuable even while raising your little ones? How do we get or learn a proper perspective on this special time of our lives?
Once, I read the quote on Instagram by David Allen:

“We can do anything but we can’t do everything”.

As a mother, it resonated so much with me. This means that we have the potential to do anything we set our eyes on, but it doesn’t mean we can do everything, at least at the same time. This really can help us to set our priorities and to keep up with the pace of our lives and while raising our kids at home. You see, it is very easy to be pulled in too many directions once we are nurturing and cultivating the culture of our family. Our husbands need us, our babies need us, and people or communities need us as well. This is when I come to discern what is the right thing for me to do in my season. There are so many voices in the world telling us how to live and making us wonder if what we are doing is the right thing. Have you ever been in that position? I think this is one of the reasons why mothers don’t easily share about their struggles at home because of fear of being judged.

I don’t know you but I have noticed that when I have faced feeling like a failure and frustrated about myself in my “simple problems at home with kids” has made me aware of pride I had in my life, high expectations or things where I have had to work on honestly. Perhaps if we stop in those moments and see them as a potential blessing, we can get to the root, do something about it and fix our perspective on the season we are living in. Then anything in life can become a great opportunity for growth.

 

Now, thinking and after processing what I was saying to Josh (of feeling like a failure as a mom)… I felt thankful because actually, we had more beautiful moments than failures. The problem was that I lost my patience that day while teaching obedience. I raised my voice and I felt embarrassed with my kids and myself. Like if someone is taking notes of my job as a mother haha ^_^’ … This kind of situation with myself has made me understand that God’s love or approval is not based even in the job I do in motherhood but only based on what I already belong to Him and I can rely on His love and power in those moments rather than in my own strength. We are all still learning.

So that’s it. It is amazing to see feelings as normal things and process them without fear instead of seeing them as enemies. It is scary at the beginning if you aren’t used to it. I just want to encourage you with all this and remind you that you are not what you feel. If you are reading this, know that you are not alone, remember that someone else has felt the way you are feeling too. Even if you are not a mom yet, maybe this can be encouraging for you to see your mom, sisters, friends or any other woman who is raising little children, to see their life differently, to be there for them, to hear them, to help them, to value the strength, and reminding them who they really are from God’s perspective.

In essence, I want you (in whatever season you are at) to rest knowing that God sees everything you do and He is not expecting anything more or less, He loves you without a doubt, without a pause. Always the same. He just wants a deeper relationship with you, and even if you are or not raising children, He wants to show you, even more, how loved and precious you are to Him.

I pray for you to find God’s peace and joy in your beautiful season and that you may never lose the wonder within you as a woman.

Love,